I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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