ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize