Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
