Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
