My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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