I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
