I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
