I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
