I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
