allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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