Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
