Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
where am i from again
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
