STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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