he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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