Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize