I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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