The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
