We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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