I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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