I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
