i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize