I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
