shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
