I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
