I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
