so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
