God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
