I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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