Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
