He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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