He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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