My cat gives me a boner
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
