call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
