Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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