Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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