I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
