The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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