We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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