I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
