you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
