sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
