Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
