She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
