I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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