Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
