you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
