i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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