I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
