I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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