just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
