turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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