I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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