I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
