I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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