:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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