Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
