If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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