i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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