You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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