Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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