its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
