I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
