I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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