She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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