i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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